The reality of how sexual. Abuse affects the victim. 

What you’re about to read may be upsetting but it needs to be said. 

When I was only thirteen years old I was sexually assaulted on the 8th may 2000. Today I write this exactly 18 yers later aged 31. 

 I see so many people arguing about if they’re victims or survivors, does it really bloody matter? Some people don’t make it out the other side get drawn so deep into depression they can see no way out. Some people move on and push it to the back of their minds. In my head we are both victims and survivors. 

It’s a terrible thing to happen to anyone and people don’t talk about it enough. So let’s discuss it, it’s raw it’s filled with emotion it’s awful in every possible way. 

The person that attacked me wasn’t known to my family but his family were. I was an innocent child had so much going for me he changed that in a matter of minutes. 

I have blocked a lot of what happened out and I’m not ready to bring it to the surface, but I strongly believe if it was talked about more it would happen less. 

On the 8th may 2000 I started the day as a typical teenager I went to school I came home I chilled with friends and played outside with my siblings. 

At around 7.30pm I went from my mums passed next door and up the alley way (note how close to home I was) as I always did to see my aunt and uncle walked passed the park and he was on the swing, some little kids got me with water guns and I was more bothered about that than the strange man sat on the swing with no children in sight. I got to my aunts the other side of the park and when I went to leave my uncle asked to walk me home, it was 8pm, a three minute walk and still light. I was a teen I didn’t need anyone to walk me home. Things would have been so different if I had paid more attention to the man in the park and let my uncle walk me home. I knew best I would be fine, I was wrong. I walked back he was still sat there, I ignored him he came out and started following me I got to the top of the alleyway walking fast at this point. Then bam he grabbed me from behind, I couldn’t get out I even tried to wiggle out of my School top in the hope I could get loose, I couldn’t. The full details I’m not getting into here, I just can’t I’m not ready even 18 years on. He threatened to stab me if I screamed and did horrific things to me. I cried and gave up fighting, what was the point. My brother and sisters bikes were at the bottom of the alley. I will never forget my sisters face when she came to get her bike, screamed and ran to get my mum. She was only 11 and had no idea what had gone on. I remember her little face so scared, so upset and traumatised, she will never get rid of that vision and I felt so sorry for her. I was thrown on the ground and the next few hours are a blur of not being allowed to shower, despite wanting to shave my skin off,  being in pain, having police around me unaware of what they’re even saying to me, people counting and measuring bruises, examining me in places no thirteen year old should ever be examined. I remember being taken to the police car and my dad pushing a police officer and just running up the alley way. There was nothing anyone could have done no matter how hard they tried. Parents of teens can only protect them so much. Young people need to be aware of the dangers and use their own observation and assessment  skills. The same skills I took for granted that day, the day I became an adult unwillingly, the day that changed my life forever that 18 years on from I’m still not over, but one of the many days that made me who I am today. 

It far from stopped there, the nightmares, the sleepless nights, the pain, the flashbacks  the bruising the fear of everyone and everything. I was accompanied everywhere my friend becky, a security guard, devoted her time to me, trying to get me out of bed and out of the house, I left school I couldn’t cope with the rumours. 

 As I got older I rebelled I couldn’t see the point in being a good person anymore. I was broken truely broken. My teenage years were filled with self harm, rebellion, foster care, eating disorders, social workers and innaceptance. I went through counciling until I was 20, yes 7 years. In my late teens I turned to alcohol to take it all away. I straightened myself out and got a job infact two, things were looking better. 

At 21 I had my first child, a girl I didn’t want a girl I was scared of what she may one day go through despite my every effort to prevent it, (yes I know buys go through it too) At 23 i had another girl, I got post natal depression my flashbacks more prominent now I don’t want to leave the house with my children I can’t, I cannot take them out into that awful world. I was an awful person in my mind for bringing them into it, it’s dangerous they’re never going to be 100 percent safe. Six months after having my second baby. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder and depressive disorder after trying and very nearly successfully to take my own life. I went through more counciling, I have limited memory of my childhood, my councillor said it’s because my self protect mode is on and has blocked it all out. I can’t tell you my favourite films as a kid, nor foods, I can’t tell you about holidays we went on because it’s just not there. I can tell you one day, just one day has severely affected my entire life. 

One thing I do remember is one day I went into my counciling trying to accept what had happened. She said she thought it would be beneficial to write a “don’t send letter” this is a letter where you write to the person and tell them exactly what you think and feel about them, how they have affected your life. You know what I did? I surprised myself, in it I wrote how I felt sorry for him, how I was grateful it was me and not my sister or another child, how he has made me a better person, how I knew he would never apologise, but I didn’t expect him to. How he was clearly mentally unstable and I hoped he got better. My councillor was surprised she said it wasn’t normal I should have been angry, swearing and telling him I wanted him to die, but I didn’t, I just wanted to be free from him. Everyday I still felt like he had hold of me and wouldn’t let go. I still feel that some days. 

Now sitting on my stairs, my 4 girls at school, my heart racing, knowing I have plans today but fighting so hard to make myself go. I spent years locked in my house, my eldest girl was scared of swings because I couldn’t walk into a park with her for years for fear of who might be there. 

Three times I’ve been in whiteness protection because he’s escaped parole. In March 2012 he went missing, I got a phone call “pack your stuff you’re moving” from the police. Two children at home and one in intensive care. How the hell was this even allowed to happen. I had two days with police outside my house and to pack essentials before being moved to an area I didn’t know, I had not friends and miles away from my daughter in intensive care and my mum who lived in the next road. I was moved to a house and it’s lovely, but there are alarms everywhere on all the windows and doors. A few years ago I got a phone call and the police told me I had to move into a safe house, my children were collected from school, I had to have a police escort to do so, had to pack a few emergency bits for my daughter as she needed medical equipment, chris had to come home from work and off We went, with the kids, we had one room, weren’t allowed to even tell our parents where we were. Weren’t allowed to go out nor the kids go to school. Locked away again until they found him. This will continue he comes out of prison again soon and the last time he was released he reoffended and he wont stop.

 My entire life will be lived this way. But it’s made me who I am today, I wouldn’t change it. I still struggle to get out of the house on my own and taking the kids to the park is always a worry and probably always will be. The last couple of years though I’ve been getting stronger, strong enough to write this, strong enough to put a smile on my face every day and go to work, strong enough to do the School runs by myself, I passed my driving test a couple of months ago and am getting out more. It will never ever leave me, it affects the way I love, the way I live, the way I parent my children, the way I form relationships everything. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t need it, it won’t help me only I can help me. I want understanding, I want education for our children. I want people to understand yes it’s a hard subject, but if it’s not spoken About and taken seriously it won’t reduce. 

I want people to realise it’s not something you can just get over and it does happen to people that don’t think it will. I want people to know it’s ok to speak up, it’s ok to speak about and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. People need to understand it could happen to anyone at anytime and no one is exempt, there is no age limit, it happens to people of all sexs and ages, and there is so much you can do to prevent it happening. Obviously I’m not saying it never will happen because there will always be awful people in this world, some closer to you than others, but awareness is the key to prevention. Speak up, speak out. 

Please educate your children and yourselves. 

Stop judging other parents!!! 

I made a video blog about this, I did however pussy out so decided to type it instead. 

I shall call this lady Mrs Judgey, firstly because I don’t know her name and secondly because it’s catchy and I kind of like it. 
So today while out with our children something was said and I’m not sure if it was bad timing or aimed at myself either way it really rattled me I’ll start at the beginning, we were at a country park with the kids (yep crazy fools we are we took all five) and the girls were playing with sticks, there was other children around and I had asked them nicely more than once to be careful and not hit things with them or swing them around other children incase they snapped and hurt or hit another child. After asking who knows how many times I looked over and they where hitting a statue thing with their sticks… again. Seeing this and worried about the other children surrounding them, I raised my voice very slightly and called girls in a short and sharp tone, the girls stopped and came to me where I explained again why we don’t hit things especially with sticks, around others and the dangers. Sometimes it’s hard to get all the girls attention especially in loud, busy places where they’re running and playing outdoors. 
All of a sudden I heard “I don’t know why parents feel the need to shout at their kids” I mean this could of been bad timing or could of been aimed at me, but what the fuck?! So this is a message to you Mrs judgey. We have five children, they are well looked after, loved, nurtured and fed. Even if it wasn’t about me why would you feel the need to judge another parent? Yes it’s not ideal to shout at your kids (not that I actually shouted anyway) however it happens sometimes, we are all human after all. Why do you feel the need to judge others parenting? Being a parent is hard as hell. There are no books or courses that can teach you to teach your child to listen to you every single time you ask or tell them something and sometimes you need to get their attention and quickly. Parents get judged far to often on all sorts of weird and wonderful things, feeding, sleeping, clothes, discipline, a child’s behaviour and until you’re that parent to that child/ren you have absolutely no right to pass comment. As long as a child isn’t being physically or mentally damaged or neglected then I can guarantee your input is probably not welcome, especially when it is negative and unhelpful. Don’t get me wrong if a parent is clearly struggling and you want to offer a hand that’s great for example a mother at a supermarket trying to carry all her bags and the toddler that’s thrashing around in full blown tantrum mode because you wouldn’t let them play with the industrial floor cleaner, then yeah offer to help with the bags or even just a “I feel your pain parenting is hard work, can I help at all?” kind of comment wouldn’t go amiss. 

 Parents worry about enough about if they are being judged, are doing the best or right thing and first time or less confident parents could be extremely upset and hurt by negative comments on their parenting, not to mention the fact no body has any idea what is going on in a strangers life, they could be struggling, suffering with post natal depression, or just having a bad bloody day. My children where not harmed by me raising my voice slightly to get their attention, however it could of potentially saved another child from being hurt. They carried on playing and we had fun. They covered me in debris from the trees and ran around chasing each other, laughing and enjoying themselves. See pictures below of happy children having fun (all be it at my expense, my poor hair). 

I am fortunate that I am strong enough and able to not let snide comments bother me, some may not be. So next time you think about passing judgment how’s about you stop and think about how it could affect the person/s you are talking about wether directly or indirectly and if it’s actually constructive. I’m really rather proud of myself for holding my tongue at the time and not letting loose on you there and then to be honest, purely to stand up for parents everywhere struggling and worrying about if they’re good enough or doing well enough for their offspring. However if I had of done that then I wouldn’t of been as good a parent as I try to be as it’s not fair for my children or anyone else’s to witness adults arguing. So yeah mrs judgey, next time please just think before you speak or voice your opinions loud enough for someone to hear, you don’t know what damage your comments could do. 

Now my rants over. 

Until next time 

Much love 

Kate 😘

The day B started school and I realised I’ve lost myself in a sea of parenting and work. 

Hi, 

So many of you know me as workingbreastfeedingmumof5, for those that don’t know my name is Kate and I am 30. I have dedicated my entire adult life to my children and work. I have five wonderful (most of the time) small people. They’re 9,6,5,4&2, four girls and a boy. Today my youngest girl started school, no I didn’t cry, she’s a handful at times, they all can be but her a lot more so, so it was a mix of sadness she was going to school and joy that someone else could have her glasses thrown at them for once. In all seriousness I think school will be great for her. 
Don’t get me wrong I had those typical mum emotions about my baby girl growing up and how I will miss her, nearly tears as me and the big bald fella left her she started crying and did the typical throw my shoe at the person trying to calm me down trick. We went into reception to sign some forms and we were closely followed by the teacher who said she had calmed down quickly and we left. As well as the typical emotions I was so happy and excited to have a morning to myself (the other girls are already at school and the boy child at nursery). The thought of not having to tell her off every two seconds was amazing, being able to sit and relax and do things for me also amazing. Leaving the school gates muttering “good fucking luck to them” under my breath, talking to Chris and a friend of mine about how they’re gunna have their hands full and placing bets on how quickly she will get suspended (I’m not even joking here). I mean she can be the most amazing little girl that says the sweetest things, has the biggest heart and gives amazing cuddles, but more so she’s the one causing trouble, punching her sisters, throwing things, breaking things and flooding the bathroom, then doing the floor drop and launching anything nearby at you (normally her glasses, shoes and then anything from paper to chairs) the moment she gets caught. 

  I had a little victory dance when I got home, as I sat on the sofa and then made myself poached eggs on toast. As I was eating I sat figuring out what I will do with the rest of my exciting free time. The conclusion, clean, bath and maybe nap. By 11.30am I had done everything, disinfected my bedroom, the kitchen, lounge, hallway and bathroom, cleaned all the floors on my hands and knees, done three loads of washin, cleaned the slow cooker and been to the shop for a slush puppy, omg they’re amazing especially without a small person drinking most of it and dropping their disgusting backwashed child slobber in it! 

So now I’m sat here writing this and taking shitty filtered snap chats, wondering what to do with the next three hours.

 It seems I’ve been so consumed in being a parent and working that I have lost myself and forgotten what it’s like to do things for myself. I will tell you now this is not a good feeling. I have no hobbies, I have a few friends, but they’re all working or busy with their small people, I have no hobbies and don’t even know what I like anymore. I am frustrated because I am bored, but have no idea what I want or would like to do. Is this what parenting should be about? No! Just because you’re a parent does not mean you should neglect yourself, yes you should put your children first, but where does the line appear? 

Being a parent shouldn’t make you any less of yourself surely!? 

Should you find yourself sat doing nothing and wondering how the hell you have lost yourself while moulding your offspring? (or in my case at least trying to). We are all winging this parenting lark no books tell you to remember you’re a person too. 

People loose interest in you when you turn down events, trips out or lunch because you have small people depending on you and you need to put them first. You lose friends, lose hobbies and eventually lose yourself, so it seems in my case at least. 

So what are we to do? I have come to the conclusion that being a parent doesn’t mean you can’t be selfish sometimes, you need to think about yourself too. As I sit here writing this I realise how many times I have gone without food until dinner time, skipped a bath, exhausted myself at one point, to the point of being hospitalised,  because I’m so consumed in daily chores, playing with the small people and making sure they’re fed, watered, happy and loved. Where does that leave me? My body and mind Is being neglected by the person that is supposed to love it the most! I sit here and realise I have been accidentally neglecting myself from the moment I had my first child, I no longer take a huge amount of care about my appearance, I can go some days without brushing my hair let alone washing it, I force myself to by new clothes but only if they’re extremely necessary (I still wear a pair of jeans I got when I was 15 for fuck sake) and when I do buy myself something I am engolfed in guilt because I could of bought the kids something. I no longer make time for me to be me, to the point I have no idea who the fuck me is anymore! Since when did being a parent mean that self neglect was mandatory?

 People keep telling me to rest, relax and enjoy a day off, but how is that possible when I have no idea how to even do that! The only thing I really know about myself is my sarcasm and sense of humour is pretty awesome, can’t really be sarcastic and tell myself shit jokes though can I? I’ll be bloody sectioned. 

So I have to start a journey to find myself and how the hell do I even do that? I need to pull time out of my arse to try new things until I find one I like and can commit to. Where do I even start with that shit? Do I call up places and be like “hey, I’m kate. I’m in the middle of some sort of midlife crisis and am trying to find myself again can I come to your class?” 

The only thing I have established is I enjoy and write blogs fairly well (well I think do) and taking stupid Snapchat selfies. 

I am studying and that’s what my “free” time is spent doing, obviously apart from now, where I have bugger all else to do apart from moan in a blog (while still not productively finding myself again). In two years the boy child starts school and what the hell will I do then? Like what the hell do people actually do when they are off or don’t work, and the kids are at school? I’m at the point where I don’t even know where I am going with this to be honest. I do however think it’s important I share my experience and help some other parents remember they’re people too, yes you’re children are important, but so are you! Don’t lose yourself while raising someone else. 

STOP, take a minute and think about you. Get someone to watch the kids for an hour so you can go to that gym class, running, dancing, crochet class, cooking class or even just for a walk to reflect on you, your life and who you are, what you like and enjoy doing! That shits important, because how the hell can you raise children to be themselves if you can’t even be yourself. We mould our children by example and if they see mummy and daddy sometimes putting themselves first, rewarding themselves and looking after themselves,  they will grow to do the same and surely that’s what we want for our children. They mirror behaviours extremely well and that’s the majority of their learning. Life with children is fun, but life when they’re grown should be too and how will it be if you forget yourself? 

This doesn’t mean your children should be second to yourself in anyway shape or form. I’m just saying sometimes you need to put your needs first and you can do that without deteimenting their physical or mental well being if you just allow yourself to. 

A very wise person once said to me there is only one me, no one else in this world is like me and I am precious , I am special and I matter and she was right. 

So go on, this week find something for you and enjoy it even if it’s just for half hour. Lock the door when you have a bath so you’re undisturbed, don’t share your dinner with a little person that has exactly the same, go for a walk, run, or anything you used to enjoy before you had children. 

That’s what I intend to do, because how can my children be themselves, if I am unable to even find myself let alone be myself. I am a parent yes, I am an employee yes, but most of all I am Kate. I am a strong, empowered, friendly and independent women that needs to start putting herself first occasionally. 

And here’s another shitty snap chat filtered selfie before I go. 


Hope you guys enjoyed this, hope my baby girl has a fabulous day, most of all I hope parents reading this realise it’s ok to think about themselves too. 

Much love 

Kate😘

Twenty truths of normal parenting that no one tells you about, from a parent of five. 

Being a parent changes you as a person. You are now responsible for another life and they become more important to you than yourself. You also find yourself doing things you never imagined yourself doing. Some of them seem bizarre and outrageous, but are generally normal in the grand scheme of parenting, it’s just no one ever wants to admit to it because they’re too busy trying to keep up with societies idea of perfect parenting. Here is a list I’ve put together of what to expect to find yourself doing as you enter parenthood and beyond that people don’t tell you about. 

1- Going to google images and searching what baby poo should look like.. 

As a parent you become obsessed with baby poo. The size, shape colour, texture all mesmerises, worries and confuses the hell out of any parent and not even just new parents. I have five children, my youngest nearly two and still found myself recently googling what my sons poo should look like! You find yourself asking friends , taking photos of dirty nappies, and googling the shit (excuse the pun) out of baby poo pictures so much so google predicts what you’re about to write and gives you some handy suggestions of what may suit your search needs! Truth is baby poo comes in many shapes , colours and sizes so if you’re in doubt dr google probably isn’t the best bet. It’s always best to run any concerns by a GP. 


2- Putting a sheet down on the bed in preperation for a milk leakage in the night! 

Every breastfeeding mother will know in this first few weeks your breasts are like milk launchers with a complete mind of their own, normally over producing at night time and especially if the baby sleeps through a feed. Your body doesn’t get the memo and so tries to feed a child that’s sleeping anyway normally ending up with a milk bath for yourself and your partner in the middle of the night and it’s much easier to remove a spare sheet or towel than it is change the bed. Then of course you have the “fuck it mums” who forgot the spare sheet or blanket and can’t be asked to change the bed so just remind themselves breastmilk is good for the skin and roll over trying to avoid the wet patch. And no I’m not ashamed to say I have been the fuck it mum on a couple of occasions because frankly exhaustion takes over. That same spare blanket can also be used to double as protection for the bed from baby vomit. 

3- Used your own sleeve to wipe someone else’s snotty nose.

Yes, I have done this as have many other parents. We all get caught short at least once with a child that has a sudden random snotty nose, or a sneezing fit leaving them with snot hanging down and over their lips and no tissues or wipes handy! As a parent you want your children to be clean and comfortable and will do anything to keep them that way. So when nothing else is available the good old parent sleeve all be it disgusting, works! I have seen many a parent rely on the trusty parent sleeve, snot sorter! 

4- Used baby wipes for cleaning! 

I do not know a single parent that hasn’t used wipes to clean surfaces at some point. It’s weird like the moment you first purchase a packet of baby wipes your whole world changes. I mean those bad boys fix everything wether it be shitty bums, snotty noses , floor spilages, windowsill dust, dirty shoes, melted chocolate patches on jeans, phone screen cleaners, they’re also great for squashing and disposing of small spiders and well anything you can think of really. 

5- Cursed about or insulted (in your head or under your breath) your child. 
Many parents will deny this one because there worried it’s not socially acceptable to dislike your children at times. Truth his although we all love our children all the time there are times when we dislike them and some of the things they may do! So don’t hide it from people (apart from maybe the kids themselves) , the more we talk about how it’s ok, to not like them all of the time the better. They may be our children, but we are still human as are they and you will sure as hell get times when they dislike you, difference is they won’t be too worried about others opinions of them, to voice theirs! Last week for example one of my children was pushing all of my mum buttons (they figure out what these are pretty young by the way) did I love her at the time? .. yes, did I like her at the time? .. no. At no time did I voice that to her as it’s unfair and not my style with regards to parenting however I was in my head shouting “please just stop being a little shit” while reminding her we like to make good choices and be kind to one another. 

6- Used google as a DR and diagnosed your child with more than just the cold they have. 

Yes, google is a wealth of information, but many parents are guilty of googling the symptoms of their child before actually seeking medical advise. A lot of the time this can lead to a pretty standard response of “visit your nearest accident and emergency department as soon as possible”. Obviously this is warranted in some cases but I have learnt over the years you get much more success by calling your local out of hours service or GP if it is open. Places like webmd, are not reliable if you are genuinely concerned about your child it’s always best to seek proper medical advise. You could dull down or over emphasise symptoms when using online symptom checkers etc and you will not get a proper diagnosis or help from the internet. Yes don’t get me wrong the internet is full of wonderful information, but using DR Google you also run the risk of potentially missing something more serious. 

7- Giving your child calpol when you’re not even 100 percent sure they’re in pain. 

Many children will complain of pain to try to stay up later, have a day off school, get your attention and many other reasons. I would be lieing if I said I wasn’t guilty of giving in and giving calpol in the hope it helped with whatever problem they had, although I wasn’t 100 percent sure there was even a problem in the first place. After all this miracle stuff seems to fix everything from teething to temperatures. 

8- Billittled your own parenting abilities. 

This one really gets me , it is done so often by people that are fabulous parents. We are all conditioned to think we have to be perfect all the time, in reality there is no real perfect only people’s opinions of perfect. All to often parents are telling themselves they’ve gone wrong, they’re doing a terrible job, they aren’t cut out for parenting. In a generation where post natal depression and depression and anxiety disorders are on the increase we all need to take a step back, a deep breath and remind ourselves we are doing our best. We all have bad days and some days want the world to swallow us up, but parenting is fucking hard work and all of us are winging it. A reminder to those parents that put them selves down… YOU ARE AMAZING! You have bought a child into this world and are nurturing it to the best of your ability and that is something to be proud of. If you feel you are drowning in parenthood , seek help and support and remember you’ve got this we are all entitled to struggle sometimes and some of us need some support to get us through it. 

9- Wearing yesterdays clothes…. 

Yes, that’s right most of us end up wearing the same clothes two days running. Why? Because we are too busy washing the 15,000 sets of clothes our children manage to get through in one day that we just don’t have time or the ability to fit ours in the wash. Of course there are also those times you just can’t be arsed or are running to late to get something else out. Some mornings it’s a case of spraying some strong deodorant and hoping you’ve not missed a baby vom patch on the shoulder of yesterday’s tshirt. 

10- Hiding to eat a chocolate bar… 

Now we as parents are sticklers for making sure our children share. With this means they always and I mean always want what you have, not what they have even if it’s exactly the same as what they have got. The amount of times my children won’t eat their own broccoli but steal the broccoli off of my plate is unreal. Most, if not all parents have at some point hidden in the toilet, a big cupboard or outside the front door to consume the chocolate bar they’ve been hiding before the kids notice! 

11- Lied about the tooth fairy when in reality you forgot. 

The tooth loss is a very exciting time for most children eagerly awaiting the tooth fairy to visit. Life however has an amazing way of making you forget important things occasionally. Waking up to a crying child because they tooth fairy didn’t visit and having to play the “the tooth fairys wings got wet and she couldn’t fly last night, I bet she leaves you double to say sorry when she comes tonight” card has happened a few times in my house! It’s ok to forget sometimes we are all human. 

12- Eaten food that’s been in someone else’s mouth! 

As gross as this sounds as a parent it’s an all to common occurance. When your child is eating something and they’re really enjoying it, you sit in fear waiting for the moment they tell you to try some. Next thing you know the words “here daddy, try this it’s yummy” and you mentally prepare yourself for the sweet/crisp/pasta they’ve just taken from their mouth to be forceably put in yours. Some parents are the “oh that’s great” type of parent that grits their teeth and pretends to love eating soggy second hand crisps. Some like me are the ones that move their head away exclaiming “it’s ok baby I’ve tried them and love them to” or “I’m not hungry sweetheart you enjoy it”  through purses lips, until the rather persistent child shoves it in your gob anyway. While you’re trying not to gag and thanking them at the same time. 

13- Pretended the parks or some other place is closed… 

You know those days you wake up after two hours broken sleep? If you don’t I’m not sure I’m convinced you’re really even a parent haha! Your child is full of beans and you just cannot be arsed so suggest a pj and film day, but you told them yesterday you would take them to the park! (Too tip never tell the kids you’re going to do something the next day just incase). Most parents at one point or another have resorted to “the parks shut today baby, they need to do some work on it” because while we strive outselves on being honest to our children, telling them you can’t be arsed isn’t going to be acceptable. This is the next best thing. Until the little shit next door brags about going to the park of course then you’re in deep parent doo doo! 

14- Put the telly/tablet/phone on for a minutes peace… 

when I had my first daughter we didn’t own any of these things and I swore I wouldn’t use CBeebies as a baby sitter! How wrong was I! I’m yet to meet a single parent that at some  point hasn’t used some sort of electrical device to occupy their child so they can get dinner done, have a bath in peace, clean the kitchen or even just have five minutes quiet. At least four times a week I now pop the telly or YouTube on for the kids so I can get tasks I need to, done. 

15- Put yourself in time out… 

If you haven’t tried this honestly you should it works like a treat! I swore when I had kids I would dedicate my whole life to them and I do! However as a parent sometimes the thought of hearing the words mummy or daddy for the 100,001st time in a day makes you feel like you might spontaneously combust. What’s the solution time out, not for the kids for you. I have discovered many benefits from this seemingly mental idea

 1- the kids learn mummies and daddies need time out to calm down too

2- they leave you alone for two minutes which is more than enough time to compose yourself 

3- it can stop you loosing your shit when you can feel yourself bubbling up.


16- Taken pictures of your children sleeping and not because it’s cute… 

Don’t get me wrong some parents take photos of their kids sleeping because it’s cute. However I would like to point out why it’s cute , yes if can be because of the cute positions they’re in or the teddy they’re snuggled up too. Most of the time however it’s because it’s a rare as rocking horse shit that they’re quiet and all asleep at the same time. You use this opportunity to remind yourself they can sleep. They’re also used a lot to post on social media bragging about how wonderful they are when in reality you’re sat having a very quiet victory dance that the little buggers are finally asleep at the same time for the first time in a month and you can have a glass of wine, bath and a shit in peace (not all at the same time obviously, well unless your into shitting in the bath while drinking wine). 


17- Taking pictures of your kid that’s stuck before rescueing them… 

Every parent knows kids are renound for getting themselves stuck in stupid places . My kids are pros at it, most loving parents are so thoughtful that they don’t forget to capture the moment to remind them at their eighteenth birthday party so snap a picture before saving them. Then you get the parents like me and Chris that just find it hilarious and have to get a picture because it’s just to funny not to. I’m not gunna lie yes I have used the excuse it’s to save for them for when they’re older to see what they got up to, but reality is it’s funny as hell when kids get stuck behind the sofa, under chairs, when they’ve climbed up something and can’t get down etc. (Obviously there are moments when kids get stuck that aren’t as funny but I’m not talking about those). 

18- Had a public tantrum with your child.. 

Ok ok , so not every parent has done this but I had to stick it in because frankly it’s hilarious. Chris regularly has tantrums with the kids in public and it’s right what they say it does stop the child and very fucker else around to be honest. Normally it’s B that is tantruming in public and Chris jumps at the chance to join in. He loves it I’m sure it’s just a way for him to vent his pent up anger really! 

19- Let off a deadly fart and blamed your child… 

Farting is a perfectly natural part of life, but as an adult it’s not socially acceptable to fart in public. As a kid however it’s fine so they’re that perfect excuse for you letting one out in a busy supermarket. When you’re walking around and just can’t hold it in you clench as hard as you can and silently (or not so silently) let it out. if it’s silent and you realise how much it stinks it’s pretty standard to then state “oh no have you pood” to your baby or if it’s a loud one “omg that stinks *insert child’s name here*”. 

20- Made out your child is perfect in every way… 

just a heads up no child is perfect but we all find ourselves lieing to make our they are. That dreaded question “does he sleep though” with the automatic answer “yes of course he has done for months” when in reality you’re lucky to get three hours sleep a night, but you just can’t cope with the parenting advise from non parents or parents with “perfect kids” like “have you tried to cut down breastfeeding” , “try a snack before bed”, or my all time favourite… “I did this with mine and it worked for all of them” from the parents that are trying to be helpful, but forgetting that every child and parent is different. 
That’s it from me for now. I hope you enjoyed the read please share with your friends. You can read my blogs and laugh at my days via my Facebook page at…. https://m.facebook.com/workingbreastfeedingmumof5/all 

twitter : workingbreastfeedingmumof5 

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Much love 

Kate 

Xx 

Side note *some of the images used in This blog were taken from google and are not my property* 


What a bloody week

This week has been a big blur of exhaustion, trying to save my sanity and not to go insane with the children present. It’s been tough but I’ve made it through thank the lord! 

Chris worked all weekend because.. well we need the money , five kids aren’t cheap! Leaving me to deal with the monsters. They’ve all been ill so that’s made it even more interesting. Thursday I had the boy child sent home from nursery and Friday B was sent home. That’s when I knew it was going to be a challenging week. 

FRIDAY… 

I had to finish work early because I had poorly children. Didn’t mean they faught any less mind. Infact calpol seems to miraculously cure most things so try to kill mummy through insanity mode soon kicks back in. Thankfully two friends had them for a couple hours so I could stay 8 out of my 12 hours (thankyou guys). When Chris got home the task of settling them was fun they were tired and miserable, but doing that stupid thing kids do and not sleeping through being over tired, what the fuck is even with that? I would jump at the chance for a nap they just don’t appreciate the value of naps as we do as adults! When we finally got them settled I went out for dinner at Nando’s with a good friend , we then hit the pub for a couple and to meet another friend, then headed to the cinema after. I got home later than if I’d been out on the piss all night! It was a good night though. 

Saturday… 

I was exhuasted from getting home and into bed with a small boy that wouldn’t sleep and then it hit me.. Chris has woken me because he’s got work…. oh fuck! I’m on my own with five over tired and bored kids! I love them dearly don’t get me wrong but by 9am they were driving me insane. You see when you have five kids the normal volume level resembles what it would be if you put your telly up full blast and when you’re exhausted it’s intolerable! So I asked them all to play nicely while I put the boy to bed .. good plan right? Wrong! Massively wrong! They were playing quietly yes, however children playing quietly never really ends well! See picture below…. And take note never ever trust quiet kids! How is it my kids when asked to tidy up scream, stamp and cry stating they can’t, yet when asked to be quiet they turn into like superhuman versions of themselves and manage to create more mess than a tornado in less then five minutes! If someone could enlighten me that would be great! 

So yeah I’m left asking if they can clear up while trying to be careful not to set off the stupidly loud time bomb that comes in the form of a little ginger , stroppy , four year old! In the end I settle for the “don’t worry I know it’s a lot I will help” which is taken as .. let’s go trash the lounge and let the women deal with this by herself, after all she is our slave and putty in our hands while the small one is asleep! In all honesty they’re correct I will do anything to keep the small, Velcro, screamy one asleep! So I’m cleaning up while muttering in my head all the wonderful things you do about your kids in this situation but you can’t actually say to them, such as “little shits” , “why the fuck am I cleaning up after then again” “all their pissing toys are going in the bin if this shit happens again” 

I get downstairs and think fuck this shit and dish out phones and tablets so I can sort the mess that’s now traveled downstairs thanks to B and G and their destructive ways! If anyone ever says to you they don’t use electrical things to occupy their kids so they can get things done, don’t believe them or don’t believe they’re even a parent. 

I lost B for a little while and I bet you can’t guess where she was…. when I spotted her snapped this super quick to show you all the panicky shit I have to deal with from this child, I then yelled so loud I’m sure the neighbours got away from their windows (sorry neighbours) the windows were locked and secure but still this shit sends my heart to my throat, quicker than vomit after your fifteenth jäger bomb! 

The boy woke up and B, G and R decided that don’t like eachother anymore que the learning to like eachother time. Again it worked a treat (thank the lord) and the day went relatively smoothly from there. Given strops from B are a daily accurance and now the norm. 

Chris came home and all of a sudden all five kids are all sweetness and light (why the fuck do they do that). His comment to me “what was the problem they’re fine” with regards to the text I sent home stating I hope he wasn’t late because I needed back up. 

Sunday… 

Again Chris is working poor guy I’m making a roast for tea and have the meat in the slow cooker by 8am (because I’m a badass mum like that) . Before the inevitable happens they start whining there are a lot of things in life I can tolerate but the whining… It goes through me instantly and I feel my blood boiling so I put myself in time out. All the kids automatically stop, be quiet and behave,  because when mummy puts herself in time out it’s because mummy doesn’t want to lose her shit and start yelling, they’ve learnt this over the years.. well apart from the boy child he doesn’t get it and is pestering me, he’s not whining though so I don’t mind so much. When I come out of time out I text nanny see if she wants dinner and explain we are going out later also if she wants to come and she agrees. It’s the least she deserves not only does she help us out where she can but she also listens to my moaning about her son and normally agrees with me (all thoughblikely just to shut me up) I’m so lucky to have a lovely mother in law she’s amazing. Chris isn’t pleased however as he calls her and she doesn’t answer, I call her and she does me and Julie speak more than Chris and Julie. This I find incredibly amusing while I think Chris feels a little put out sometimes bless him (I don’t mean the bless him bit if I’m honest it just sounded good). Anyhow, by the time nanny gets over I’m literally on the verge of knocking back the wine in the fridge and locking myself in the cupboard under the stairs. The boy won’t let go of me , G is screatching this awful high pitched screatch, B is just destroying stuff , R is begging to call anyone and everyone she can and A.. actually A has had some sort of personality transplant this weekend as she is being beautifully behaved and extremely helpful. (I really fucking hope the hormonal stage is over for now). It’s amazing seeing the wonderful little girl she really is. 

I sit and chuckle a little to myself as nanny gets over run by my feral army of small people, “what’s in your bag nanny”, “can I have a cuddle nanny” , “have you got sweets nanny” poor women hasn’t even had a chance to sit down properly yet. While singing freedom in my head and contemplating running off and leaving her with them for a couple hours. Obviously I don’t actually do it although I can’t garentee it won’t happen one day. 

We play for a while , whilst B intermittently does the floor drop for no apparent reason, kicking, screaming and not telling anyone why and the boy child has remembered I have boobs and in them I have milk that he can’t possibly let go of! Until Chris calls around 2.30 and tells me to get the kids sorted we are going to the beach he  gets home around 3. 

We then have arguments about who’s going in nannys car B and G won that’s not surprising to be honest we can’t take the floor drops from them both if the others went in her car. We pile them all in and off we go! 

We get there and typically get tears in seconds as A falls in a hole and twists her ankle the tears are made worse by mine and Chris automatic reaction of laughing while trying really hard not to! I’m sorry but it was hilarious she didn’t even fall she kind of flew in a really unladylike Abby elephant kind of way. Trying to comfort her and hide the laughing is possibly one of the hardest things I’ve done in ages. I’m sorry but it was hilarious, made more so by the fact I warned nanny about the hole and she then also fell down it flinging B and G forwards as she had their hands, yet miraculously they stayed stood. 

It’s actually really nice at the beach the kids love throwing stones in the sea and running around. While I’m going over and over in my head what I will do and the actions I would take it they got dragged into the sea. That thought is promptly stopped with a donk and my turning hulk as a stone hits me in the side of the fucking head (we really need to teach them better aim) and giving the kids a lecture on throwing into the sea not into people’s heads. After that we all have a great time even if I am panicking every three seconds even though the girls are a meter Away from the water. We try a million and twelve times to get a nice picture of all of us and should of known it wouldn’t work however we did get some other lovely ones. (Side note A did get over it quickly) 

I got the most amazing picture of the girls while on our way back. This never happens like ever! 

The thing with living by the sea is you take it for granted. We don’t go anywhere near enough even though it’s beautiful, Fun and free. So many people I know would love to live where we do and we really don’t make the most of it. 

We had to bribe the kids with sweets to leave (luckily nanny always carries sweets) we get home and I make tea while Chris baths the filthy little sods we rear. It was amazing, but I made far to much! This , this is how I ate my dinner. I’m truly starting to believe I need to write a honest parenting book! 

This was the left overs! 

We discovered today the girls can work as a team all be it in a very hilarious and unique way…. as you can see B and G are helping R to make everyone drinks. 

We get them into bed, nanny heads home and it’s actually relatively quiet until carnage starts at ten and me and Chris are split between three waking kids. Apparently that situation isn’t as impossible as it sounds! However it is exhausting when it carries on all night! 

Monday.. 

This about sums up the morning before school. I don’t even know what they were kicking off about. I’m assuming they’re overtired given no one really slept last night! I eventually calm them and get the other three sorted. Drop the older three at breakfast club, the younger two at nursery and got myself to work. I worked 12 hours so Chris had to collect the three older ones from my friends after work, get them home, feed them, then collect the younger two from nursery. He then got them all to bed and I got home the poor sod was asleep on the sofa. I sat down to express and then have to go check on the baby who hasn’t woken when I walked in which is highly unusual he’s sleeping soundly as are the girls. He went on to sleep all night 😱

Tuesday… 

Today I got the mum of the year award, you will read why further down. So the morning went as normal , Chris got the lunch bags sorted for me, helped two to get dressed and headed off to work. I was then dealing with a B that stated she wasn’t getting dressed (fine child school run in pjs it is , I wish I could get away with that). The boy child kicked off an I had to do the knee hold to get him in the buggy then he screamed most of the way because he wanted to be attatched to the tit for the fiftheenth time in two hours. I got the girls to school reluctantly and home with B and the boy. He’s shattered so went down really simply for a nap. I tried to give B the tablet after her breakfast in the hope I could get a nap. Haha because clearly she was going to let that happen 🙄 instead she decided that she was going to demand I help her with the simplest of things like peeing! Nanny popped over for a couple hours and we had a nice time she left and a friend came over, toon one look at me and sent me to bed. No sooner did I get in it the school called “hi kate, A is saying she feels sick and won’t eat her lunch she seems fine in herself though” I confirm if she decides she is hungry later they’ll let her eat and explain given how much she lies I can’t warrant collecting her if she seems fine. They agreed that was a good plan given she didn’t look nor was acting poorly. By the time I got to sleep I got twenty minutes because I was woken to the school again. “Hi kate, she’s very teary and now really looks unwell” I agree to go collect her and now I feel fucking awful poor kid. I go to collect her bumping into a friend on the way who agrees to collect the other two and come give my friend a hand with all five while I pop to get dinner because bob me and Chris have just been too tired to go shopping. On the way home while being sympathetic I recite the boy who cried wolf story (although she’s heard it a million times I think maybe now she will think before telling lies again). We get back and she sleeps on the sofa while the boy is poking her wanting to play (she really must be poorly). Then my friend arrives with her three kids and my other two and I head to the shop. I get back and make dinner a classic beans on toast because that what they wanted, they’ve had cooked dinners at school and I’ve got work. My friends go home and realise I’ve ten minutes to eat and get ready before having to leave . The boy is screaming for milk and so this is how I end up , eating , feeding and trying to do dishes. 


They don’t tell you about this shit in parenting books folks! I fuck the dishes off leaving them for poor Chris to do and get ready while he piles the kids into the car while they’re kicking off because they’re tired and he takes me to work again A is the only one not moaning. B is falling asleep in the car so I get to play the fun game of poke and tickle the child so she stays awake all the way to work. Today I am so thankful for work, so much so I got out the car and didn’t even say goodbye to Chris I just ran in to sit down for ten minutes Undisturbed. I get home at 11.40 and Chris is in the boys bed. I express and wake him he comes to bed and within an hour I’m in with the boy and that’s where I stay for the night! 

Wednesday …

Tiredness is really taking hold now and I’ve got to be at a course at 9 and volunteer after. Chris helps sort the kids before heading off for work and surprisingly they’re not that bad bar the occasional strop, so I get dinner in the slow cooker, The kids to school and nursery and me to my course , I go straight to volunteer and then by home about half hour before school run . The boy that has screamed the entire walk home is now asleep in the buggy. I’m keeping B quiet with snacks and we are chilling surrounded by this mornings mess. You know what I don’t even fucking care I’m tired and we need to relax for a while. Typically the boy wakes for a feed ten minutes before I have to leave . I get the girls from school with a boy in the buggy giving everyone that dared look at him evils and when we get home they all go play upstairs until dinner. During the hour between being home and dinner a think I counted 40 plus times I heard muuummmm from one of the smaller three! Like seriously how can they need you that many times in such a short space of time! Chris gets home. we have dinner and sort bedtime (which takes about 2.5 hours) , I get some nvq work done and he’s asleep on the sofa. I head to bed and wake up at 3am he’s in bed with the boy.  

If I’m honest Thursday and Today I worked some more and the kids were relatively good given they all feel like shit (calpol is a wonderful invention) minus the odd hiccup in behaviour. Although Thursday I did learn the boy could feed upside down and he knows how to look after mummy. I also spent two and a half hours cleaning the small twos bedroom and throwing out old broken toys after work! 

I also discovered being hit over the head with your phone at 5.30am on a Friday morning when you have work, by a nearly two year old signing , monkies in the bed (five little monkies nursery rhyme) is not funny nor is it enjoyable! (Unless it’s happening to someone else of course then it’s fucking hilarious) 

So yeah that’s my week my kids have been arseholes at times, but hey who’s kids aren’t. I love them all the same and their individuality is incredible. 

Until next time 

Much love 

Kate 😘

The learning to like eachother session – positive discipline for fighting siblings. 

Now this may be a little controversial to some but for my kids it works and frankly I don’t give a shit if people don’t like it. 

Given I’ve got five kids they can be a handful (to say the fucking least). They don’t always get along infact far from it. I would say around 70 percent of the time they’re pissing each other off, fighting like cat and dog is probably an understatement. People said girls will be better and get on better… those people lied! In all fairness, I’m dreading them hitting their teens and if how they are now is anything to go byI’m  pretty fucked and outnumbered. So I need to get a hold on their fighting while they’re small. Now while I realise shouting at them doesn’t help and I try really hard not to, it doesn’t mean I don’t do it. However this doesn’t mean they listen infact I think they listen less, they just block me out and I turn into some sort of crazy, shouty, background noise. I have been on parenting course after parenting course and in each one you swear to follow exactly what you are taught, but in reality that shits hard when you’ve got A screaming “she took my sylvanian” , R screaming “A hit me” , B stood with a clump of blond hair in her hand while denying all knowledge of why G is screaming “she pulled my hair”. I find myself doing the whole “right girls let’s all sit and talk this through” which prompts a huge stupidly loud debate on who started it… because clearly I give a fuck who started it! I give them all chance to speak individually but nope they have to talk over each other and until a week or so ago it generally ended with “RIGHT STOP IT NOW, I DON’T CARE WHO STARTED IT, IT ENDS NOW! Now all of you sit quietly for one minute and think about how you’ve made eachother feel! You’re sisters not enemy’s” Again this doesn’t really have the desired affect. 

No parenting book prepares you for this shit, you’ve gone from being a mother to a boxing referee over night. They only like to tell you the easy stuff in those books. There is a fine line between teaching your children right from wrong, yet allowing them to dislike things about eachother. I mean seriously name someone you like absolutely everything about, I bet you can’t do it! There will be even a seemingly tiny thing that you dislike about them. I want my children to learn it’s ok not to like things about everyone they meet including their siblings, but also to appreciate the things they do like about people. 

So B and A are screaming at eachother so high pitched I can’t even make out what they’re saying. I imagine it’s some shit that’s trivial to me, but to them it’s like their whole world comes crashing down. They’re not built like adults and see things as a lot more special than we do. 

The daisy B picked me for for example, to most people it’s just a daisy, to her she worked hard to find the perfect one, to gift to me, she then picked and protected it before proudly presenting it to me and it’s the only thing she had to give so that’s a big deal and so it should be. It was recieved with masses of smiles and thankyou’s telling her how thoughtful and special she is (admittedly while wondering how the fuck I’m gunna find one exactly the same to replace it with when it inevitably dies and B notices). So when G decided to pull all the petals off it wasn’t a case of it’s ok we can get another, no daisy will be the same as the Perfect one B picked for me. That scribble on a screwed up piece of paper that you get given at the end of school, that is work well done, they’ve thought about you and drawn you a loving picture as best they can, granted it will probably go in the bin when they aren’t looking because with five kids if I kept every scrap of paper I would live in a shredder. Yes, you receive it and sometimes think, for fuck sake why can’t she make these for someone else while pasting on a massive smile and showing lots of appreciation for the scribbled on paper. Funnily enough it’s normally these sorts of things the girls fight over, or the typical situation where one sees another with a toy she wants , bearing in mind she didn’t want the fucking thing before she saw someone else with it, infact she’s not played with it in months! 

So yeah B and A are fighting, neither will tell me what is going on and neither want to apologise or see they’ve done anything wrong. My over tired, poor brain can’t take it and all of a sudden from no where I have an idea! These sorts of ideas normally end horrendously in fairness, but I was trying it anyway. 

So I told the girls to sit back to back, while B sat waiting A decided like fuck was she doing it , after about five minutes of encouragement they sat back to back. I was shocked but hey I’m winging it here! As you can see when she did finally sit there neither were amused. 

I asked them to think about what happened and if it was worth fighting over, I then explained they can dislike things about eachother , they’re human after all however it is not acceptable to be mean to eachother or any other human being. After about five minutes they both said they were ready to start getting along. Now bearing in mind I’m still Winging it here. So I say ok now do you mind facing eachother and hold hands for one minute, while thinking about the things you like about eachother. Again they’re not amused but are happier than moments before. 

I set a timer for a minute and leave them thinking about what they like about one another. They’re smiling within twenty seconds so this winging it lark isn’t going to badly it seems. The alarm sounds and I then ask if they feel one another needs a cuddle they agree. 

They’re a lot happier now I ask them to keep thinking about things they like about one another while the timer is on and now they’re talking and cuddling.. progress ! The next step I only have a video for and can’t upload them here for some reason “/. However it was to keep them sat infront of one another , now though telling the other one at a time things they like about eachother, so A starts with “I like your hair B” , B follows with “I like your nose” and so on until they’ve said three things each. I’m still fucking gobsmacked this is working. Once they’ve said their three things each they ask if they can go and play. I let them obviously and that was that. For the first time in months I was seeing and hearing them playing beautifully and complimenting eachother. It’s amazing, I’m fucking amazed it worked and feeling a little like a genius right now. My theory was to show them it’s ok to dislike things about one another but focusing on the things they like about one another is much better. I totally thought it was a massive fluke and would never work again. For the rest of the weekend they got on great. And I actually managed to get the first amazing picture of them together in months. 

The real test was yet to come. I explained everytime any of them fought this would happen and sure enough the time came when the others started fighting too. I’m panicking now thinking how the fuck can I do this with three or four kids. However it was unwarranted as I did and again it worked amazingly. First it was B and R that fought and within a minute they were giving eachother kisses and laughing. While A was holding B’s hand in the start to comfort her as she wasn’t happy to begin with (this is something A would never if done a couple months ago). 

Then the winging it excelled to a new level, three of them. That’s right fucking three of them and guess what .. again it worked amazingly! 

They all got on so much better after and complimented eachother on all sorts while playing. It was incredible and since I have used it a couple of times again with success. 

Now I’ve seen people say all sorts about how to get kids to get along. From the “get along tshirt” (I tried this once and failed and to be fair when I thought about it I didn’t want them to get an acquired fear of being restricted), time outs, naughty step, being forced to apologise (I’ve also done this I won’t lie but I think it’s counter productive you can’t force someone to feel bad about something they said or did). 

Yet this has by far worked the best. I think because while I’m appreciating you can’t like everything else about another human being, I am refocusing them onto the things they do like about one another, over riding the negatives with positives and so they see more positives in eachother. Even if they are as seemingly tiny as I like the button on your dress, focussing on the things they like has helped massively in them learning to appreciate one another. I’m not saying it’s an instant fix it’s not they will still fight and we will still follow this routine but at that moment in time they remember they love eachother and it’s incredible! 

So yeah that’s how I use positive discipline and their own feelings to help them get along when they hate eachother. I don’t force them to apologise, I don’t scold them for disliking one another at times, I also don’t condone them being violent towards one another. Instead I teach them to see the good and that’s what they do. 

I hope you enjoyed this blog, and my idea for the “learning to like eachother session” as I like to call it. I also hope your children benefit from it as much as mine do. 

Much love 

Until next time 

Kate 😘

We actually adulted for an evening… 

When you have as many kids as we do adulting is a rarity. Saturday night me and Chris had his rugby end of season dinner. I find it difficult going out and leaving the kids with anyone other than him. I shouldn’t because I know nanny Julie is more than capable and the kids will be in safe hands.. I don’t know, I just worry. 

So I really didn’t want to go out, but I had promised Chris I would, so I had to force myself to let go of my anxiety and sort my shit out. 

People without children probably won’t understand, but trying to get ready to go out when you have an army of small people is a mission in itself. 

I went to get in the bath and no sooner did my toe touch the water did B come in as she wanted to come in with me. I told her not today to go downstairs and see if daddy wanted help. She walked out the room and straight back in again this time with toys. “Mummy it’s lonely in your bath” … no , no it’s not child given you’re in here. Obviously I opted for the more child friendly “it’s ok mummy’s happy in the bath without toys”, que a fuck load of toys that aren’t even bath toys being launched at me while I am defenceless and trapped in the bath! Fucking wonderful, I mean I know she’s being kind and I love that she is, but Jesus I just wanted a quick bath in peace. I didn’t fancy a bloody peppa pig figure in the eye that’s for sure! Why I ever thought I would get that I do not know! Anyway I make it the quickest bath in history purely because I have a small ginger being that is watching and asking about my every move. I’m now also worried I’ll walk in at some point and find her trying to shave her legs As I couldn’t possibly of done it quickly given I’ve seen less hair on chewbacca, because as a mum you don’t get time to shave your legs every other day like you did before kids! 

So I put my pjs bottoms and a bra that’s not a nursing bra on. For two years pretty much I’ve warn a nursing bra and so this feels weird as fuck, but when I look in the mirror I am amazed I’ve got boobs and a cleavage and they look fucking awesome. If you’ve breastfed or carried children you will completely get the excitement I got staring at myself in the mirror. Anyway I go to start doing my face (and This shit takes a lot of work) I get my primer on and bam the boy child realised he can see boobs and needs milk so I end up with him sat on the kitchen side while I try to put my make up on with him attatched to my tit. This is not making me want to go out even more! It’s a fucking ball ache. Nanny comes in (thank fuck for nanny I’ll tell you that) now the boy child’s and B’s attention is diverted I can finish my make up, because the whole eyebrow pencil knocked so you draw a line up your forehead look is not good, I then start to curl my hair because my straighteners have vanished into thin air.. although I’m sure Chris has stolen them to straighten his chest hair or some shit, he just doesn’t want to admit it. In the middle of doing my hair A decides she doesn’t want me to go out so is pestering me , B is climbing all over nanny and I again seem to have a boy child hugging my leg like a fucking koala. I settle A explaining we won’t be long as I’ve work tomorrow , while praying she doesn’t wait up for us (because that’s the sort of shit she does) and nanny comes to rescue me from the boy child before my foot falls off through lack of blood flow. My face heavy with about twelve hundred layers of make up to mask the exhustedness on my face. It’s gunna take a lawn mower to get this shit off! 

I walk into my room and go to get dressed although not before admiring these new found tits one more time and taking a couple of snaps to show them off to the admin girls for mcparents because well… they do look fucking amazing. I get dressed realising you can’t rush putting tights on it just doesn’t work you end up with more ladders than every window cleaner in the country put together! Good job Chris bought me two pairs that’s for sure! 

Anyhow now we are ready and nanny came armed with sweets so we could sneak away… good call nanny, good call! I chuck  my emergency pants in my bag And we head of. A lot of people make fun of me for my emergency pants and I seem to be the only person that takes them everywhere. I mean let’s face it being a women the last thing you want is to suddenly come on your period while out have blood in your pants that spreads to your dress, making it look like you’ve been mysteriously stabbed in the Fanny or worse after five kids you piss yourself because you were queuing that second to long in the toilet!  I look in the car mirror just to check my hair and face to make sure nothing needs touching up. I have got to say I felt pretty damn good about myself. 

So we get to the rugby club to have a slap up meal of fish and chips and then have the awards , by the awards I’m getting into the idea of being out but also tempted to start drinking. I’ve work the Next day so unfortunately can’t. Do you have any idea how annoying it is limiting yourself to lemonade and only two alcoholic drinks when out on a Saturday night with no kids ? Well I’ll tell you now It’s fucking awful, we had fun all the same. 

And we actually resemble normal human beings. I did start to get a complex when the fifth person said to me “wow you can scrub up well can’t you” .. to be fair I go to the rugby club normally in a hoody and joggers with minimal of any make up on, looking more manly than most of the players, so I kind of guess they’re right. I don’t normally look like a lady so this is a novelty. I sit chatting with the ladies while Chris fucks off with his mates as he does because he’s the captain and apparently with captaincy comes forgetting you have your mrs with you! I’m sat talking to them all bubbly while dribbling at the drinks in their hands holding back the urge to Swipe and down them. Then the fun starts the awards. I like this bit because with the award comes a giant rugby style piss taking session. I sit and laugh at all the horrendous and embarrassing things people have done …. until a moment I should of been proud of (but wasn’t) happened Chris got called up for an award and no piss taking was done as it was serious , the club loved him and thanked him loads.. however where the fuck was my thanks?! I have to endure all the shit that comes with captaincy like the moaning about players not turning up, people getting carded for stupid reasons and the fact he trains every Thursday (one of my few evenings off) and plays every Saturday (one of my two days off). Then there is the fact that the shield and the trophy he got are going to need a home in my already cramped house, and I will not hear the end of how amazing he is for at least six months .. oh the joys of being a rugby widow! So I head to the toilet and inform him we need to go soon as I have work in the morning where i snap a quick obligatory toilet selfie. Seriously though check out the tits!!  He’s fine with that and I order a kebab for us and Julie so the time it arrives is when we need to be home by. I’m surprised Chris is not smashed to be honest to be fair he does deserve it. Anyhow we join in with some songs that I shan’t go into as unless you’re into rugby and know the songs they sing you would probably be highly offended. For the first time in ages this is a rugby do I’ve attended where so far no one is naked (big well done for that lads) and it’s a bit of a relief because yes they’re nice lads but naked bar is not nice, clever, attractive and it’s certainly not big! 

After the singing we head home leaving everyone else getting pissed and muttering lucky cunts some of us have to work Sundays! 

We get back all the kids are asleep and the kebab has arrived. We eat and I talk Julie’s ear off before she heads home and we head to bed ready for the nice long night with the kids, who I might add have not woken fucking once for nanny. 

And that was that really :). 

Until next time 

Kate 😘