So I’m Kate a mum of five aged 19 months , 4,5,5&8 (no, not twins ones just turned five last month and the other is six next month) I’ve never blogged before so bear with me also please bear in mind I’m exhausted and my spelling and grammar might be off.
Let’s start with the most interesting part of my day in our house we like to call “morning time”
Today was a good day in comparison and here is how it went.
After about three hours sleep because I’m sure my children hate me . I woke to that noise everyone dreads , the annoying and loud sound of the standardised iPhone alarm tone (oh how I hate that noise) I laid in bed while Chris my partner (he’s a bell end but my bell end) went up stairs to wake the girls and get the small boy child from His cot. He comes down stairs and plonks the small child on my bed where he clambers across getting pissed and shouting at the covers as he gets tangled in them, until he eventually gets to me and nose dives into my milk makers like something out of a zombie movie to latch for his morning milk. My early morning wake up is made better by the fact he is teething and there is snot .. snot everywhere. So not only am i flinching at the feeling of new razor sharp teeth rubbing against my poor nipple but It also looks like aliens have vomited on my breasts (attractive this breastfeeding lark hey) anyway he finishes his feed (or so I think) I get up and head to the door to go get washed and have my morning poo. Then I hear him shouting turn around and he’s pointing (pointing and shouting is his universal call for the milk makers Which I used to call my breasts), so I sit down and offer the other side he feeds happily again scratching me with his new found teeth and covering me in alien vomit (aka snot) . When he is done he unlatches happily and climbs off the bed .
I head to the kitchen to get him some blueberry wafers to buy myself enough time for my wash and poo and plonk him in his high chair .
When leaving the lounge I’m collared by the small ginger devil child demanding breakfast. I explain no darling we have breakfast once we have taken the girls to school you know that and offer her some fruit.. Well that was a trainee mum error I should not of made because que the four year old ginger devil child doing the “floor drop” as we like to call it and kicking her legs around while screaming like she’s actually being starved or worse. I calmly explain this is what we do every morning while she’s shouting “cake cake cake” and we can’t have cake for breakfast. I tell her again calmly I will leave her to calm down while I go wash (while in my head willing her to stop screaming because I’m fucking exhausted and can’t take it this morning) . At this point the wafers the boy child had are now consumed and he’s screaming for his cereals I make his cereals and put them on his tray on his high chair turn around and he’s launched them all over the floor (thank fuck for dry cereals and a clean floor a lesson learnt on baby number one) and is now screaming to get out of his high chair . I try to give him his cereals again and again he launches them at this point the small ginger one is happy that someone else is causing a scene for once and I can’t be arsed to argue with a 19 month anymore so get him out put his bowl on the floor and he happily sits at it eating. Occasionally shouting at the small ginger one as she is not so slyly stealing the odd spoon full of coco pops from his bowl.
Right now I’m gunna get my wash and poo finally. I go upstairs and am greated by a small blond child that thinks she is funny with her shirt on backwards sat on my thrown when she is supposed to be getting dressed for school (please remember this is a good day) the big ginger one and the mousey blond one for the first time in what seems like forever are actually getting dressed without any arguements . I get the small blond one dressed and usher her out of the bathroom so I can wash (the poo is out of the question now I just don’t have time) while calling to the girls to go downstairs and start brushing their hairs when they’re dressed.
To my surprise they do I go downstairs after my quick wash (now feeling like I might shit myself) and the eldest or the big ginger one as she shall be known for now is helping her sisters brush their hair and putting them up . This worries me hugely and I’m on the verge of taking her temperature and giving her the day off of school as she must be ill. I get the snack bags ready while she’s doing that. Chris then asks her to read them a story while i sort the smaller two and she does (I’m genuinely thinking she must be really poorly at this point). Chris then leaves for work and the big ginger one is still reading while I get the little ginger one dressed. Once I’m done I ask the big girls to get their coats on. Clearly my idea of getting their coats is different to theirs as I meant like a normal human you know arms, in hood up, buttons and zip up and from that they took use them as capes. At this point in the morning I genuinely cannot be arsed to argue anymore with them so looks like I’m walking three supermen to school.
Here is the really fun part. Everyones ready and the small boy child is still eating so I attempt to put him in his pushchair. In this attempt he starts screaming and I have to use the whole knee to secure him while I do the straps up trick (failed three times btw) and once he is in I give him his bowl back as I just can’t take the screaming , que coco pops all over the floor again. Now he is wriggling and squirming into awful positions so much he could strangle himself at any point on the straps and so I get him out. I say “shall we walk then today” in my calm, gentle, mum voice (that secretly wants to explode) and pop him on the floor. Well what a mistake that was as he’s now learnt the “floor drop” (oh the joys of toddlers) and is screaming on the floor in a mood. See picture below
At this point I’m genuinely ready to burst and so i pic Him up hand him back his god damn fucking coco pops ) that have caused me more stress than any cereal should this morning) and carry him on the school run.
Thankfully a few doors away from my house two of the children decide they want to wear their coats properly. However at the same time they also decide they’re old enough to walk to school by themselves (wtf they are 8&5 so no fucking way is that happening they might drive me insane but I do actually love them) I explain they’re too small and it’s dangerous so instead they decide they have to walk at least 7 meters in front of me because “it’s embarrassing walking to school with my mum” … Cheers kids , bloody cheers , I feel really appreciated!
So anyway I watch them in the doors to breakfast club (thank fuck for breakfast club I’ll tell you) and head home.
I get home and the moment I’m in the door the small ginger one is demanding breakfast but the small boy child is demanding boob in his shouty, pointy way and it’s his before nap feed. So I explain if she gets the things out I will feed him and then do it for her . I sit down to feed him and hear cereals and I don’t mean in the boxes I mean hitting floor. She has decided she’s a big girl and she can make her own breakfast I go into the kitchen and find cheerios and coco pops on the floor as she decided she wanted “mixed up” and missed the bowl (aren’t my days so much fun) I pop some cereals and rice milk in the bowl and calmly say “well done for trying baby but maybe next time wait for mummy to help” while inside I’m screaming for fuck sake, why doesn’t she listen, who the fuck is gunna clean this up.. Some days I impress myself by keeping This shit in my head.
Bearing in mind all this shit has happened before 7.55am .
Anyhow I go to put the boy child in bed and clean up while she’s finishing her breakfast and then proceeding to get every toy possible out in the lounge. I then do what every responsible parent I know does… I give her my old iPhone and put on baby doll videos to occupy her (because for some strange reason she would much rather watch people play with dolls than play with them herself) so I can clean up some more.
It is now 10.15am and I’ve just found a cup of tea that chris made me at 7.10am and am drinking that and finally sat writing this.
That’s all for now because in all honesty I cannot function much more today and have work tonight.
I hope you enjoyed my morning than I did I also hope in years to come I will look back on my stressful mornings and miss them.
One exhausted mum x