When you have as many kids as we do adulting is a rarity. Saturday night me and Chris had his rugby end of season dinner. I find it difficult going out and leaving the kids with anyone other than him. I shouldn’t because I know nanny Julie is more than capable and the kids will be in safe hands.. I don’t know, I just worry.
So I really didn’t want to go out, but I had promised Chris I would, so I had to force myself to let go of my anxiety and sort my shit out.
People without children probably won’t understand, but trying to get ready to go out when you have an army of small people is a mission in itself.
I went to get in the bath and no sooner did my toe touch the water did B come in as she wanted to come in with me. I told her not today to go downstairs and see if daddy wanted help. She walked out the room and straight back in again this time with toys. “Mummy it’s lonely in your bath” … no , no it’s not child given you’re in here. Obviously I opted for the more child friendly “it’s ok mummy’s happy in the bath without toys”, que a fuck load of toys that aren’t even bath toys being launched at me while I am defenceless and trapped in the bath! Fucking wonderful, I mean I know she’s being kind and I love that she is, but Jesus I just wanted a quick bath in peace. I didn’t fancy a bloody peppa pig figure in the eye that’s for sure! Why I ever thought I would get that I do not know! Anyway I make it the quickest bath in history purely because I have a small ginger being that is watching and asking about my every move. I’m now also worried I’ll walk in at some point and find her trying to shave her legs As I couldn’t possibly of done it quickly given I’ve seen less hair on chewbacca, because as a mum you don’t get time to shave your legs every other day like you did before kids!
So I put my pjs bottoms and a bra that’s not a nursing bra on. For two years pretty much I’ve warn a nursing bra and so this feels weird as fuck, but when I look in the mirror I am amazed I’ve got boobs and a cleavage and they look fucking awesome. If you’ve breastfed or carried children you will completely get the excitement I got staring at myself in the mirror. Anyway I go to start doing my face (and This shit takes a lot of work) I get my primer on and bam the boy child realised he can see boobs and needs milk so I end up with him sat on the kitchen side while I try to put my make up on with him attatched to my tit. This is not making me want to go out even more! It’s a fucking ball ache. Nanny comes in (thank fuck for nanny I’ll tell you that) now the boy child’s and B’s attention is diverted I can finish my make up, because the whole eyebrow pencil knocked so you draw a line up your forehead look is not good, I then start to curl my hair because my straighteners have vanished into thin air.. although I’m sure Chris has stolen them to straighten his chest hair or some shit, he just doesn’t want to admit it. In the middle of doing my hair A decides she doesn’t want me to go out so is pestering me , B is climbing all over nanny and I again seem to have a boy child hugging my leg like a fucking koala. I settle A explaining we won’t be long as I’ve work tomorrow , while praying she doesn’t wait up for us (because that’s the sort of shit she does) and nanny comes to rescue me from the boy child before my foot falls off through lack of blood flow. My face heavy with about twelve hundred layers of make up to mask the exhustedness on my face. It’s gunna take a lawn mower to get this shit off!
I walk into my room and go to get dressed although not before admiring these new found tits one more time and taking a couple of snaps to show them off to the admin girls for mcparents because well… they do look fucking amazing. I get dressed realising you can’t rush putting tights on it just doesn’t work you end up with more ladders than every window cleaner in the country put together! Good job Chris bought me two pairs that’s for sure!
Anyhow now we are ready and nanny came armed with sweets so we could sneak away… good call nanny, good call! I chuck my emergency pants in my bag And we head of. A lot of people make fun of me for my emergency pants and I seem to be the only person that takes them everywhere. I mean let’s face it being a women the last thing you want is to suddenly come on your period while out have blood in your pants that spreads to your dress, making it look like you’ve been mysteriously stabbed in the Fanny or worse after five kids you piss yourself because you were queuing that second to long in the toilet! I look in the car mirror just to check my hair and face to make sure nothing needs touching up. I have got to say I felt pretty damn good about myself.
So we get to the rugby club to have a slap up meal of fish and chips and then have the awards , by the awards I’m getting into the idea of being out but also tempted to start drinking. I’ve work the Next day so unfortunately can’t. Do you have any idea how annoying it is limiting yourself to lemonade and only two alcoholic drinks when out on a Saturday night with no kids ? Well I’ll tell you now It’s fucking awful, we had fun all the same.
And we actually resemble normal human beings. I did start to get a complex when the fifth person said to me “wow you can scrub up well can’t you” .. to be fair I go to the rugby club normally in a hoody and joggers with minimal of any make up on, looking more manly than most of the players, so I kind of guess they’re right. I don’t normally look like a lady so this is a novelty. I sit chatting with the ladies while Chris fucks off with his mates as he does because he’s the captain and apparently with captaincy comes forgetting you have your mrs with you! I’m sat talking to them all bubbly while dribbling at the drinks in their hands holding back the urge to Swipe and down them. Then the fun starts the awards. I like this bit because with the award comes a giant rugby style piss taking session. I sit and laugh at all the horrendous and embarrassing things people have done …. until a moment I should of been proud of (but wasn’t) happened Chris got called up for an award and no piss taking was done as it was serious , the club loved him and thanked him loads.. however where the fuck was my thanks?! I have to endure all the shit that comes with captaincy like the moaning about players not turning up, people getting carded for stupid reasons and the fact he trains every Thursday (one of my few evenings off) and plays every Saturday (one of my two days off). Then there is the fact that the shield and the trophy he got are going to need a home in my already cramped house, and I will not hear the end of how amazing he is for at least six months .. oh the joys of being a rugby widow! So I head to the toilet and inform him we need to go soon as I have work in the morning where i snap a quick obligatory toilet selfie. Seriously though check out the tits!! He’s fine with that and I order a kebab for us and Julie so the time it arrives is when we need to be home by. I’m surprised Chris is not smashed to be honest to be fair he does deserve it. Anyhow we join in with some songs that I shan’t go into as unless you’re into rugby and know the songs they sing you would probably be highly offended. For the first time in ages this is a rugby do I’ve attended where so far no one is naked (big well done for that lads) and it’s a bit of a relief because yes they’re nice lads but naked bar is not nice, clever, attractive and it’s certainly not big!
After the singing we head home leaving everyone else getting pissed and muttering lucky cunts some of us have to work Sundays!
We get back all the kids are asleep and the kebab has arrived. We eat and I talk Julie’s ear off before she heads home and we head to bed ready for the nice long night with the kids, who I might add have not woken fucking once for nanny.
And that was that really :).
Until next time