This week has been a big blur of exhaustion, trying to save my sanity and not to go insane with the children present. It’s been tough but I’ve made it through thank the lord!
Chris worked all weekend because.. well we need the money , five kids aren’t cheap! Leaving me to deal with the monsters. They’ve all been ill so that’s made it even more interesting. Thursday I had the boy child sent home from nursery and Friday B was sent home. That’s when I knew it was going to be a challenging week.
I had to finish work early because I had poorly children. Didn’t mean they faught any less mind. Infact calpol seems to miraculously cure most things so try to kill mummy through insanity mode soon kicks back in. Thankfully two friends had them for a couple hours so I could stay 8 out of my 12 hours (thankyou guys). When Chris got home the task of settling them was fun they were tired and miserable, but doing that stupid thing kids do and not sleeping through being over tired, what the fuck is even with that? I would jump at the chance for a nap they just don’t appreciate the value of naps as we do as adults! When we finally got them settled I went out for dinner at Nando’s with a good friend , we then hit the pub for a couple and to meet another friend, then headed to the cinema after. I got home later than if I’d been out on the piss all night! It was a good night though.
I was exhuasted from getting home and into bed with a small boy that wouldn’t sleep and then it hit me.. Chris has woken me because he’s got work…. oh fuck! I’m on my own with five over tired and bored kids! I love them dearly don’t get me wrong but by 9am they were driving me insane. You see when you have five kids the normal volume level resembles what it would be if you put your telly up full blast and when you’re exhausted it’s intolerable! So I asked them all to play nicely while I put the boy to bed .. good plan right? Wrong! Massively wrong! They were playing quietly yes, however children playing quietly never really ends well! See picture below…. And take note never ever trust quiet kids! How is it my kids when asked to tidy up scream, stamp and cry stating they can’t, yet when asked to be quiet they turn into like superhuman versions of themselves and manage to create more mess than a tornado in less then five minutes! If someone could enlighten me that would be great!
So yeah I’m left asking if they can clear up while trying to be careful not to set off the stupidly loud time bomb that comes in the form of a little ginger , stroppy , four year old! In the end I settle for the “don’t worry I know it’s a lot I will help” which is taken as .. let’s go trash the lounge and let the women deal with this by herself, after all she is our slave and putty in our hands while the small one is asleep! In all honesty they’re correct I will do anything to keep the small, Velcro, screamy one asleep! So I’m cleaning up while muttering in my head all the wonderful things you do about your kids in this situation but you can’t actually say to them, such as “little shits” , “why the fuck am I cleaning up after then again” “all their pissing toys are going in the bin if this shit happens again”
I get downstairs and think fuck this shit and dish out phones and tablets so I can sort the mess that’s now traveled downstairs thanks to B and G and their destructive ways! If anyone ever says to you they don’t use electrical things to occupy their kids so they can get things done, don’t believe them or don’t believe they’re even a parent.
I lost B for a little while and I bet you can’t guess where she was…. when I spotted her snapped this super quick to show you all the panicky shit I have to deal with from this child, I then yelled so loud I’m sure the neighbours got away from their windows (sorry neighbours) the windows were locked and secure but still this shit sends my heart to my throat, quicker than vomit after your fifteenth jäger bomb!
The boy woke up and B, G and R decided that don’t like eachother anymore que the learning to like eachother time. Again it worked a treat (thank the lord) and the day went relatively smoothly from there. Given strops from B are a daily accurance and now the norm.
Chris came home and all of a sudden all five kids are all sweetness and light (why the fuck do they do that). His comment to me “what was the problem they’re fine” with regards to the text I sent home stating I hope he wasn’t late because I needed back up.
Again Chris is working poor guy I’m making a roast for tea and have the meat in the slow cooker by 8am (because I’m a badass mum like that) . Before the inevitable happens they start whining there are a lot of things in life I can tolerate but the whining… It goes through me instantly and I feel my blood boiling so I put myself in time out. All the kids automatically stop, be quiet and behave, because when mummy puts herself in time out it’s because mummy doesn’t want to lose her shit and start yelling, they’ve learnt this over the years.. well apart from the boy child he doesn’t get it and is pestering me, he’s not whining though so I don’t mind so much. When I come out of time out I text nanny see if she wants dinner and explain we are going out later also if she wants to come and she agrees. It’s the least she deserves not only does she help us out where she can but she also listens to my moaning about her son and normally agrees with me (all thoughblikely just to shut me up) I’m so lucky to have a lovely mother in law she’s amazing. Chris isn’t pleased however as he calls her and she doesn’t answer, I call her and she does me and Julie speak more than Chris and Julie. This I find incredibly amusing while I think Chris feels a little put out sometimes bless him (I don’t mean the bless him bit if I’m honest it just sounded good). Anyhow, by the time nanny gets over I’m literally on the verge of knocking back the wine in the fridge and locking myself in the cupboard under the stairs. The boy won’t let go of me , G is screatching this awful high pitched screatch, B is just destroying stuff , R is begging to call anyone and everyone she can and A.. actually A has had some sort of personality transplant this weekend as she is being beautifully behaved and extremely helpful. (I really fucking hope the hormonal stage is over for now). It’s amazing seeing the wonderful little girl she really is.
I sit and chuckle a little to myself as nanny gets over run by my feral army of small people, “what’s in your bag nanny”, “can I have a cuddle nanny” , “have you got sweets nanny” poor women hasn’t even had a chance to sit down properly yet. While singing freedom in my head and contemplating running off and leaving her with them for a couple hours. Obviously I don’t actually do it although I can’t garentee it won’t happen one day.
We play for a while , whilst B intermittently does the floor drop for no apparent reason, kicking, screaming and not telling anyone why and the boy child has remembered I have boobs and in them I have milk that he can’t possibly let go of! Until Chris calls around 2.30 and tells me to get the kids sorted we are going to the beach he gets home around 3.
We then have arguments about who’s going in nannys car B and G won that’s not surprising to be honest we can’t take the floor drops from them both if the others went in her car. We pile them all in and off we go!
We get there and typically get tears in seconds as A falls in a hole and twists her ankle the tears are made worse by mine and Chris automatic reaction of laughing while trying really hard not to! I’m sorry but it was hilarious she didn’t even fall she kind of flew in a really unladylike Abby elephant kind of way. Trying to comfort her and hide the laughing is possibly one of the hardest things I’ve done in ages. I’m sorry but it was hilarious, made more so by the fact I warned nanny about the hole and she then also fell down it flinging B and G forwards as she had their hands, yet miraculously they stayed stood.
It’s actually really nice at the beach the kids love throwing stones in the sea and running around. While I’m going over and over in my head what I will do and the actions I would take it they got dragged into the sea. That thought is promptly stopped with a donk and my turning hulk as a stone hits me in the side of the fucking head (we really need to teach them better aim) and giving the kids a lecture on throwing into the sea not into people’s heads. After that we all have a great time even if I am panicking every three seconds even though the girls are a meter Away from the water. We try a million and twelve times to get a nice picture of all of us and should of known it wouldn’t work however we did get some other lovely ones. (Side note A did get over it quickly)
The thing with living by the sea is you take it for granted. We don’t go anywhere near enough even though it’s beautiful, Fun and free. So many people I know would love to live where we do and we really don’t make the most of it.
We had to bribe the kids with sweets to leave (luckily nanny always carries sweets) we get home and I make tea while Chris baths the filthy little sods we rear. It was amazing, but I made far to much! This , this is how I ate my dinner. I’m truly starting to believe I need to write a honest parenting book!
We get them into bed, nanny heads home and it’s actually relatively quiet until carnage starts at ten and me and Chris are split between three waking kids. Apparently that situation isn’t as impossible as it sounds! However it is exhausting when it carries on all night!
This about sums up the morning before school. I don’t even know what they were kicking off about. I’m assuming they’re overtired given no one really slept last night! I eventually calm them and get the other three sorted. Drop the older three at breakfast club, the younger two at nursery and got myself to work. I worked 12 hours so Chris had to collect the three older ones from my friends after work, get them home, feed them, then collect the younger two from nursery. He then got them all to bed and I got home the poor sod was asleep on the sofa. I sat down to express and then have to go check on the baby who hasn’t woken when I walked in which is highly unusual he’s sleeping soundly as are the girls. He went on to sleep all night 😱
Today I got the mum of the year award, you will read why further down. So the morning went as normal , Chris got the lunch bags sorted for me, helped two to get dressed and headed off to work. I was then dealing with a B that stated she wasn’t getting dressed (fine child school run in pjs it is , I wish I could get away with that). The boy child kicked off an I had to do the knee hold to get him in the buggy then he screamed most of the way because he wanted to be attatched to the tit for the fiftheenth time in two hours. I got the girls to school reluctantly and home with B and the boy. He’s shattered so went down really simply for a nap. I tried to give B the tablet after her breakfast in the hope I could get a nap. Haha because clearly she was going to let that happen 🙄 instead she decided that she was going to demand I help her with the simplest of things like peeing! Nanny popped over for a couple hours and we had a nice time she left and a friend came over, toon one look at me and sent me to bed. No sooner did I get in it the school called “hi kate, A is saying she feels sick and won’t eat her lunch she seems fine in herself though” I confirm if she decides she is hungry later they’ll let her eat and explain given how much she lies I can’t warrant collecting her if she seems fine. They agreed that was a good plan given she didn’t look nor was acting poorly. By the time I got to sleep I got twenty minutes because I was woken to the school again. “Hi kate, she’s very teary and now really looks unwell” I agree to go collect her and now I feel fucking awful poor kid. I go to collect her bumping into a friend on the way who agrees to collect the other two and come give my friend a hand with all five while I pop to get dinner because bob me and Chris have just been too tired to go shopping. On the way home while being sympathetic I recite the boy who cried wolf story (although she’s heard it a million times I think maybe now she will think before telling lies again). We get back and she sleeps on the sofa while the boy is poking her wanting to play (she really must be poorly). Then my friend arrives with her three kids and my other two and I head to the shop. I get back and make dinner a classic beans on toast because that what they wanted, they’ve had cooked dinners at school and I’ve got work. My friends go home and realise I’ve ten minutes to eat and get ready before having to leave . The boy is screaming for milk and so this is how I end up , eating , feeding and trying to do dishes.
They don’t tell you about this shit in parenting books folks! I fuck the dishes off leaving them for poor Chris to do and get ready while he piles the kids into the car while they’re kicking off because they’re tired and he takes me to work again A is the only one not moaning. B is falling asleep in the car so I get to play the fun game of poke and tickle the child so she stays awake all the way to work. Today I am so thankful for work, so much so I got out the car and didn’t even say goodbye to Chris I just ran in to sit down for ten minutes Undisturbed. I get home at 11.40 and Chris is in the boys bed. I express and wake him he comes to bed and within an hour I’m in with the boy and that’s where I stay for the night!
Tiredness is really taking hold now and I’ve got to be at a course at 9 and volunteer after. Chris helps sort the kids before heading off for work and surprisingly they’re not that bad bar the occasional strop, so I get dinner in the slow cooker, The kids to school and nursery and me to my course , I go straight to volunteer and then by home about half hour before school run . The boy that has screamed the entire walk home is now asleep in the buggy. I’m keeping B quiet with snacks and we are chilling surrounded by this mornings mess. You know what I don’t even fucking care I’m tired and we need to relax for a while. Typically the boy wakes for a feed ten minutes before I have to leave . I get the girls from school with a boy in the buggy giving everyone that dared look at him evils and when we get home they all go play upstairs until dinner. During the hour between being home and dinner a think I counted 40 plus times I heard muuummmm from one of the smaller three! Like seriously how can they need you that many times in such a short space of time! Chris gets home. we have dinner and sort bedtime (which takes about 2.5 hours) , I get some nvq work done and he’s asleep on the sofa. I head to bed and wake up at 3am he’s in bed with the boy.
If I’m honest Thursday and Today I worked some more and the kids were relatively good given they all feel like shit (calpol is a wonderful invention) minus the odd hiccup in behaviour. Although Thursday I did learn the boy could feed upside down and he knows how to look after mummy. I also spent two and a half hours cleaning the small twos bedroom and throwing out old broken toys after work!
I also discovered being hit over the head with your phone at 5.30am on a Friday morning when you have work, by a nearly two year old signing , monkies in the bed (five little monkies nursery rhyme) is not funny nor is it enjoyable! (Unless it’s happening to someone else of course then it’s fucking hilarious)
So yeah that’s my week my kids have been arseholes at times, but hey who’s kids aren’t. I love them all the same and their individuality is incredible.
Until next time